Balancing Self and Social Valued Action (Part 3)

This is part three of my newsletter on using values to help us live according to what matters most.

To revisit the key steps for part 1 and 2:

Key steps Part 1 - Click here to read part one

Key steps Part 2 - Click here to read part two

Part 3 Balancing self and social valued actions:

Living our values requires us to balance our self-development with our social connections.

As we take valued action, we can change our self-concepts, and we can change how we relate to others. Therefore, exploring values should include conversations about how we see ourselves as well as how we see others. In other words, there should be both a "me" and a "we" in our values and a consideration of balance between the two.

Exploring how valued sction changes self-view

Once your client has sorted cards and chosen their values, invite them into a reflective practice on how acting on these values has influenced their self-view.

For example: "When you engaged in your value of being present, did that change the way you see yourself?"

Then we can consider whether our valued action balances our self and social needs. Sometimes, values work can be self-focused, filled with "what I want" or "how I want to be," with little space for others and social relationships. Context matters, though. Your client may have spent years giving to others, and now they're nourishing their self-development. That may be exactly what they need right now. However, we want values work to have a life-enhancing quality rather than a self-contained one, which means gently exploring the balance between self and social values.

What if my client doesn't choose any social values?

Social relationships infuse our lives with meaning. Consider how often valued action builds connection and deepens relationships with others.

When a client's card sort contains no cards about social relationships, try a gentle second sorting just within the social domains. DNA-V card sorts include domains of Caring for Others, and Giving to Others, and Having a Positive Influence. These social values are linked to well-being research.

Engage in creative discussion.

What might our lives look like if we prioritise "self" values?
I playfully admit to my clients that I'm not sure I'd wash the dishes or tidy up if it weren't for social values such as wanting to create a home that welcomes family and friends.

Leaning too heavily toward what others want or expect

Sometimes we lean too much toward what others want. Compare what it's like to take valued action because they genuinely want to build relationships, with feeling obliged or prioritising another’s values. Help clients track their actions and discover for themselves what feels workable.

Reflective questions can help:

When you act on this value, are you honouring an authentic desire to connect?
Is there external pressure or obligation in this value?
Does this valued action expand your self-view as well, or does it make you feel constrained and controlled?

Values work is an ongoing exploration between tracking our actions and awareness. Each conversation offers an opportunity to notice and consider what matters—both within ourselves and with others.

Valued action is not something we “get right.”

We practice and use awareness and discussions, again and again, noticing how our actions shape who we are and how we live in connection with others.

Exploring values with card sorting

You might like to continue the journey with our DNA-V Value & Conversation Cards, which are finally back in stock.

These cards are designed to support dynamic, flexible therapeutic conversations, helping clients clarify what matters to them, move beyond “I don’t know,” and translate values into meaningful, life-enhancing action.

If you prefer a digital option, we also offer our new Virtual Value & Vitality Card Sort, making value exploration accessible and easy to use online.

Your purchase is values in action. Every dollar of profit from the printed boxed sets and our digital cards goes directly to The Pearl Lotus Fund, a registered charity that supports education for children in remote Nepalese villages.

Explore the printed boxed sets of DNA-V Value & Conversation Cards